bayushisan

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

Mental Health.....

This is going to be a difficult one for me to write.

I am one of the mentally ill. It has only dawned on me recently just how bad I can get with the level of panic attacks and anxiety attacks I have, and I have them often. I used to be able to just gloss over admitting anything by saying it just a chemical imbalance but I can't do that anymore.

While I do, in fact, have a chemical imbalance I have no idea just what kind of imbalance it is. I'm prone to depression, anger (though that can come too close to rage for my comfort), panic and anxiety attacks. All that combined with the physical problems I have make it difficult at times. It's probably much worse than I let on, even to myself.

Next Friday I start going for counseling at a place called The Guidence Center. Since I can't afford health care and I don't have Medicaid this is my option and it's the one that my SSI lawyers want me to take.

It's not going to be easy and I don't think I'll ever be able to work like I want to, and believe me I HATE not being able to work, but I hope that it will help me not freak out or shake so much.

We'll have to wait and see I suppose.

That's all for now

May the Lord bless you and may the Lord keep you. May He make His face to shine upon you. Amen and Amen

End of line

location: Michigan

mood:

depressed

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Friday, June 26th, 2009

No More

I've had it with not being able to get the help I need and I'm tired of fighting for scraps. It's not fair and it's not right and the people who scream against things like food programs for children and Medicaid need to listen up because I'm only going to say this once.

A little over two years ago I alsmost died, three times in four days to be precise. I had gone to the emergency room after months of an illness that just wouldn't go away. I was passing out and my heart was thundering most of the time, I know I should have gone the first time passed out but I didn't, and don't, have health insurance.

Entering the hospital the doctors checked my blood and found that my hemoglobin count was 2.6; for those that don't know the average for someone my height and age is betwen 12-16. The doctors didn't know why I was even able to move, much less why I was still breathing. I spent the next four days getting seven units of blood. I also was given two endoscopies during that time, during which I'm told I stopped breathing both times. The second time I'm told it took them 40 minuts to get me breathing normally again. For the record we still don't know what caused my anemia in the first place. All in all this added up to a $20,000+ hospital bill. I hadn't been working for several years, not by choice mind you, and was denied Medicaid for reasons I still don't know.

After this I was told by the doctor I was seeing at the time (he didn't charge me to his credit. He actually acted like he cared) told me that he didn't want me working any more. The combination of asthma, anemia and a chemical imbalance I've had since birth add up to a very dangerous combination. Stress makes me violently ill and always has and I have a long history of bronchial and upper respiratory infections that sometimes have kept me sick for two weeks or more.

Now I was raised to believe that a man is supposed to work. I hated the news that my doctor gave me more than anything, but it's something I had to deal with. Because of what my doctor told me I applied for SSI and food stamps and I can tell you that anyone who says that said process is one of the most humiliating experiences you'll ever endure. Any politicians who talks trash against those programs should try applying and see how much fun it is before they open their mouths.

I've been denied SSI in the initial application and in the two appeals since. I'm going to appeal a third time, this time hopefully with a lawyer. It's ridiculous that getting help is so hard and it's ridiculous that there are idiots like Hannity and his ilk who talk against people who need help. People who abuse and game the system, and let's be honest there are people who are that dishonest, need to be punished but let's fix the bullcrap people have to go through just to get a little help.

That's all for now

May the Lord bless you and may the Lord keep you. May He make His face to shine upon you. Amen and Amen

End of line

location: Michigan

mood:

angry

music: none at the moment

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Wednesday, February 27th, 2008

Sometimes Its Just Hard........

As I write this I look back on my life and realize that I really should have seen this coming. Its not like my health has ever been really good but I made out ok, well ok by my standards anyway. Its true that I was sick a lot as a kid, seemed like I was always coming down with bronchitis or something else I'd have to go to the doctor for.

The trend continued in highschool and college, but I was usually able to work a little bit. I was even able to hold a couple jobs for three years. Everything always ended though. If it wasn't me having to move on because of school, it was running out of money or my health that always knocked me on my butt. I've always managed to persevere though. Even when things were at their worst here at home I was able to soldier through it because of my faith and my mother.

I've written about my turn in the hospital this past April and how close I came to death. How they were never able to figure out what caused the anemia that nearly killed me and learning that I'd be taking iron supplements for the rest of my life. Since that time I've had a cold or two but didn't really think anything of it because I'm so used to catching them. During the months following my hospital stay I was told by my doctor that he didn't want me working. That the anemia added with my asthma and being very prone to depression made trying to hold a job verboten.

That really didn't sink in until today. You see I have an administrative hearing coming up to see if I can get medicaid. I talked to my doctor today about that and asked for a note, on the advice of my representative, that talked about my health and inability to work. The doctor did write the note and said in no uncertain that I am unable to work. I also found out that my asthma's taken a turn for the worse. The good news just kept on coming today.

Maybe this is me just rambling, I don't really know. All I know is that sometimes its just hard to keep going. Its hard to keep hoping and believing that things will get better. I do believe that they will and I know God will provide a way, but right now everything I'd been trying to deny is starting to sink in. As bad as my sister and her husband have had things at least she can work. *sigh*

I think I'm going to log off now or maybe just look up some other things. I'm starting to slip further into depression and I really don't need that right now.

That's all for now

May the Lord bless you and may the Lord keep you, may He make His Face to shine upon you. Amen and amen

End of line

location: Michigan

mood:

depressed

music: Big & Rich: Comin to Your City cd

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